Yoga Routine
1)Mountain-Right, so palms out. Tall, confident, whatever. Placebo effect, calming, yadayadayada.
2)Enter five point star, in the shape of a star. To get limber, or something of the sort.
3)Into angle, the posture wherein you look ridiculous with your arm outstretched over my head. It just seemed like a logical transition from 5 point. Why not stretch some muscles?
4)Leading into triangle, because I am a masochist and so can you. This is the one where you're painfully contorted, like someone who wants their cross section to look...something vaguely like a triangle.
5)Now, victory, to work your liver. Squat like a winner, and spread your arms (wrists facing you) in an arrogantly triumphant pose. You have only known the benefits of chakra when your opponent is offended by your egotism. Study hard, warrior.
6)Warrior next, because you like yoga so much that you're willing to endure the humiliation of looking like what you are not. This is a lunge, with your arms directly in front and behind you, a position such as an Aztec warrior might adopt if his intent was to sacrifice himself to the first wave of the Mayan assault.
7)And suddenly, for your triumphs, you are a hero. But you shouldn't brag about that. It's more like a working class hero, and at that more of a Green Day working class hero than a John Lennon working class hero. Deal, and on your hands and knees. Fold them under your peasant body.
8)Now, prostrate yourself as a lotus flower superimposed on your subconscious might if this flower never wanted to feel or look like a flower ever again. You know, sitting cross-legged.
9)Following this, you should behave like a small child because you just aren't relaxed enough yet, damnit. You need to have your forehead touching the mat, soaking up all the sweat from people in the last class and developing a nasty head rash. Which is to say that you're going to pretend you're Muslim and praying, before suddenly realizing that you're Buddhist and stretching. Following this epiphany, shove your forehead into the floor with your arms by your side.
10)I think you're too relaxed at the moment, and suggest that you pretend that you're a sail boat sailing on the ocean during a lightning storm. In a tsunami. And pursued by a sea serpent. Only your lower back can make contact with the floor. Bring your arms and legs up. If you don't do it right, you sink and die.
11)You failed, or wanted to anyways. Regardless, you're feeling particularly morbid and should therefore enter dead man. Pretend that you're dead. Just do it for a second. Think of what impact your death would have on everyone you know, then meditate on the ramifications to others whom you don't. So remember, you're completely lifeless and exposed, on your back. “Dead”. It's ok though, you're not really dead...just emo.
12)The dog obeys, and you will too. Put your hands and knees on the mat, and hang your head in shame for complacency.
13)Since you feel like unusual roleplay, you know what's cool? Snakes and back pain. You should hurt your back while pretending to be a snake. Lay on your stomach, then raise the upper half of your torso and hold your position with your arms directly below you. For optimum discomfort, be sure to thrust your pelvis into the mat.
14)Today, you will act like you're Cherry from Planet Terror. Except that instead of a machine gun for a leg, you've got a bow and arrow. Extend one leg, and hold the other with your arm outstretched. Exactly as if your leg were a bow because the flamethrower upgrade was too expensive for someone of your modest means to afford.
15)Oh no, a zombie just launched an RPG at you and you're on the ground! This means it's time for useless talent #34: bend yourself into a table, stomach up. Then go to Mexico, give birth to El Wray's child, and travel the countryside looking for a microbiologist while protecting a band of survivors from “the freaks”.
16) Actually, cats are awesome. Maybe you'd be more awesome if you were a cat. Do it. Go. Act like a kitty: on your hands and knees, relax your shoulders then STRAIGHTEN YOUR BACK ALL OF A SUDDEN BECAUSE OH SNAP THERE'S A SMALL YAPPY DOG AND YOU WANT TO INTIMIDATE IT.
17)You're a pest. A locust. Lay on your stomach, then lift your legs and arms at the same time. Feel your skin tighten against your ribs, hear a rip, then look down in horror when you realize that you can see your own lungs.
18)Balance is important, and a tree is balanced. You are not balanced. Be like the tree, and stand on one foot. Then bring your other leg into your knee, gain your balance, clasp your hands, and raise them over your head like a punk who thinks they know martial arts because they don't have inner ear problems.
19)Balance is still important. Trees are still balanced, and you are still not balanced; don't worry though, this is ok because a sage is also balanced. To think like a sage, and eventually balance like a sage, you must first do what a sage would not. With one leg on the ground, tilt your whole body to one side. If you don't fall and crack your skull open, you'll be a step closer to enlightenment.
20)In your elevated state, you have a spiritual revelation: you must enter a childlike catatonia, and function as a happy baby. Roll on your back, and keep your knees tucked into your chest while you enjoy the mostly Catholic shame of harming the mother who did nothing but suffer for you.
21)So far, your hamstrings are notably underworked. This is why you can't have nice things. Since you're an ascetic, it would be a good idea to overcompensate for several understandable shortcomings in a cathartic fashion. I also suggest the seated forward bend, this absolutely brutal exercise where you position your legs in front of you and lean through with both arms stretched outwards. It's only working when you pass out in agony.
22)That wasn't good enough. Strong people can tolerate more. As punishment, you will perform the appeasing hands to feet ritual. With your legs straight, bring your hands down to your feet and tuck your head into your knees. Reflect on all the ways in which you've wronged other people before weeping uncontrollably at your transgressions in reasoning.
23)I still like pain, and I hope you do because there will be some pilates. The first position will be the hundred, in which you extend your legs upwards with only the upper and lower sections of your back touching the ground. Raise your neck and arms, then just stay there for a while. Ideally, before your hamstring snaps.
24)That must have been exhausting, you clearly need a break from rigorously strengthening the muscles in your abdomen. Hey, wouldn't it be sweet if you could imprint your spine into the mat? With your knees up and arms by your side, slowly stop caring about everyone and everything. If you did it properly, you can see your spine when you look in the mat. If you didn't, you've got some serious chi issues that you need to work out, man.
25)You didn't really earn that. No, you should suffer for willful ingratitude. Become a crab, boiling alive in a crab bisque that someone will send back to the kitchen anyways because the consistency was not to his liking. Put your legs straight out ahead of you, round your spine, and then curl yourself into a wretched, mewling ball of human weakness. Rock back and forth for a while, until you appreciate that arrogance sowed your discord.
Now, relaxation.
You are lying on a yoga mat, exhausted from a tiring workout. You barely tried anything that you were supposed to, and yet you still feel ground from the effort. Your own physical weakness is abhorrently clear at this moment. You understand that other people can do this effortlessly, and dwell obsessively on your own comparative failures. However, it doesn't matter that other people are stronger, faster, smarter, and funnier than you. It only matters that you can learn to shut out the savage reality that threatens to completely crush your soul. With the right social conditioning, you can still function as a happy little worker bee without any of the accompanying envy for people you view as your natural superiors. It's possible that only a numbing pinprick of regret from your comfortable injection of perverted rationales will jar you from the drudgery of your day-to-day life on the assembly line of culture, progress, and consumption. You can relax, knowing that the rest of your life has already begun. Accepting that your labor is needed, you sink into an impressionable state of consciousness, attuned to your environment and desperate for anything to inflate your crumpled ego. In your mind, continue to think that you are free. Stimulate yourself with the promise that your toil will defend the systems they told you to like that are beyond your understanding or appreciation. Remember that everyone is your friend, and that your leaders use you to positive means. Begin to awaken. Picture yourself coming out of a deep sleep and into a deeper stupor. Wiggle your hands and feet. Accept the innumerable lies that make your life bearable. Welcome this tolerable complacency, your own beautiful occlusion of an inner melancholy. Slowly, steadily, open your eyes to your blindness. Throughout the day, wield the power of your ignorance against all others who subvert your personal narcotic with unsettling accusations of duplicity. Defeat them with your numbers. Now you are ready to follow. Enjoy everyone else's day.
